The Greatest Pain

The greatest pain a Mother can face is the loss of a child. However, does that loss have to be caused by a death to be painful? I say no. My oldest, my firstborn, my only son refuses to talk to me. I haven't seen him in almost a year, and the last time I spoke to him I felt like he was viewing my call as an intrusion.

I am worried about him as he slowly seems to be cutting out all members of his family. He cut my entire family out of his life shortly after my Mom passed away. I have always felt it was because he was so close to his Grandma and it was his was of coping, but shouldn't he have "come back" by now? He used to keep in touch with his sisters, but now he does not talk to them either. He has stopped talking to his stepdad as often as he used to.

Now he and his girlfriend are moving to the coast of BC at the end of August, and I fear I won't see him again. I found out from my daughters, who found out from his girlfriend that they are moving. His girlfriend talks to my daughters, but at times it seems she only does so to flaunt their Brother in their face.

People say that as he gets older he'll come back to his family, but I have my doubts. I don't really understand why he cut us all out. I don't know anything about his life as he refuses to share himself with us. He will be 20 on his next birthday, shouldn't he be "getting it" by now?

My heart aches for my firstborn. I long for the son I once had, my lil man. I pray that he finds his way back. I have reached out to him to no avail, calls are cut short and only happen if I make them and emails go unanswered. I try to make sure that he knows he is loved and that we are here waiting for him.

Perhaps it would be easier if I could understand ... I don't know.