Worry in Red

I always thought that once I'd reached a certain age I could stop worrying about "whether or not" I would get my period each month. I could stop waiting with baited breath each month, breathing a sigh of relief when it arrived (OK so I'm exaggerating somewhat, but I do have a point).

This is currently not a concern for me as a) I faithfully swallow my pill each day and b) one must have sex in order to find themselves in that condition and as I'm currently single there is none of that going on here.

I do however, have a teenage daughter. Now we've had "the" talk, I have been very open with my kids and I encourage them to come to me no matter what. I've told the girl that while I don't want her having sex yet, I want her to come to me if that's something she chooses to do and I will get her put on birth control and buy her condoms. I remember what being a hormonal teen was like!! I also remember how convincing those teenage boys can be, and since she has a steady boyfriend I'm sure you can see where my concern comes in. I mean will she come to me or will she be too scared of my wrath shy to do so.

We can instill the very best of morals and values in our children, and at the end of the day they will still make their own choices for the good or for the bad...and we can't control them. Teenage pregnancy knows no bounds, it doesn't discriminate. It also doesn't signify "bad" kids or morally lacking kids, it is simply kids who made a choice at an inopportune time. This scares the crappers out of me. I have to hope and have faith that she remains true to who she is, and continues to respect herself. I have to trust that she WILL come to me when that time arrives.

She assures me that she is not sexually active and I do trust her...but God help me, I worry EVERY damn month whether or not SHE is going to get HER period. Does anyone else with teen girls have this sick fixation on their daughters monthlies? Am I the only Mom who worries about this sort of thing.

I don't rest easy until I see the nice wrapper in the trash from the feminine hygiene product that I so lovingly supply for her each month.

Run Ya Over...

I was going to pick my daughter up from work last night at approximately 10 PM, so naturally it was dark.

I was heading south on one of the main roads and had to turn east to access the complex she works in. I had a red light so while I was waiting to be able to turn I did what I always do, I scanned the area around me. At no time did I see a pedestrian standing kitty corner from me waiting to cross. The light turned green, I scanned again, especially the corner to ensure no pedestrian in the crosswalk. Nope, didn't see anyone, so I proceeded.

I was about three quarters of the way through my turn when I caught a glimpse of movement. I hit the brakes.

There was a pedestrian, running across the crosswalk dressed from head to toe in BLACK. I had no idea where he came from, he was just there. Now that right there is a smart thing isn't it? Dart out into a dark crosswalk, at night, dressed all in black. I almost hit this person. I would have felt sick.

Where has common sense gone? If you are out walking at night for the love of all that is holy, please make yourself visible.

It's hard to get the stains out when something makes me crap my pants.

Internal Review

Recently some events occurred that caused me to take stock of myself, of who I have become, and I have to say I am not proud of what I discovered.

I have become a bitter, unhappy, judgemental, caustic individual. I have allowed things in life to get to me. I forgot to pick myself up and carry on. I forgot to let go of the bad and the negative. I allowed them to take up residence deep within my psyche, to build and grow and fester until they overtook my "self". They became "me".

I am now working on ridding myself of these horrible parts. I am working on becoming a better person. Working on managing stress better, understanding myself better. Searching for myself and who I truly am, because I am truly not who I am appearing to be these days.

It is hard when you look at yourself and decide that you don't like what you see. When you realize that you must take full ownership and responsibility; you must make necessary changes. Yet it is also exhilarating...to know that once all the hard stuff is over I will have found myself again. I will have found my happy again because right now I've lost it and I don't know where.

I do know where I will begin...stress management. I did not realize how stressed I was until I reached a breaking point... it was a huge wake up call. Recognizing one's own faults is a daunting task, but once done a solution is possible. I choose to better myself... I choose to become the person I once was.

I choose to find my happy again. I choose to care about myself.

I choose the positive.

Oh The Strange Places My Mind Will Go...

I cannot claim to be responsible for the stuff that runs unwarranted through my mind, at times I'm just as shocked as the next guy by what it seems to produce.

Just today, for example, I was in the little girls room tending to my nature call. I might add that this was at work so it's a very sterile, white environment in there. No pictures, no reading material....no color, just "blahness".

I happen to be cursed blessed with a very active imagination and a very busy mind. My mind is always going, it is difficult to turn it off at times, thankfully I am able to pay attention to many things at once so it normally doesn't present a problem. Except for times when there is nothing to occupy my mind and it begins to roam freely.

So there I was, sitting there minding my business, hoping everything was going to come out ok. And I started thinking.

I thought, "WOW I just turned 40"

Then I thought, "Oh I suppose that will mean mammograms now" It just went downhill from there.

All of a sudden out of nowhere I was wondering how women who are not so well endowed have a mammogram. Women who are AA. What do they stick in the boobie pancake maker?

Soon I was giggling as I sat upon the workplace john....

Giggling because I wondered what if they didn't have mammograms, but were just told to watch for anything sprouting from their chests after the age of 4o.

Again, I am not responsible for the paths my mind takes. Boredom does BAD things to me. Being bored is not good for me.



This is not meant to disrespect anyone who has ever suffered from breast cancer or had a family member or friend who did; I have lost loved ones to cancer so it is definitely not something I take lightly. I just have a very warped, dark sense of humor.